Welcome to Celebrity Magical Jeopardy
by mereschino
Summary: what is my obsession with SNL related things? what is up with Draco and his obsession with Treacle Asses? Find out within


(characters: Alex Trebek, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Sean Connery [I don't know either!])

AT: Welcome back to a special 'Magic' edition of Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm Alex Trebek. Here are the contestants: Harry Potter with a negative $8. How he got that, I do not know. Draco Malfoy, with a show record of negative $75, 002. Mr. Malfoy decided to answer each question with 'I am the walrus. GGO GOO GOO JOOB.' Well, you certainly are a big, dumb animal.

DM: Hey, I don't understand your Muggle games? Do you even know who my father is?

AT: No, I do not, and even if I did, I wouldn't care. Moving on. Returning for the millionth time, God knows why, Sean Connery who, surprisingly,is in the lead with $22. Here are the categories: Potent Potions, Sounds an Owl Makes, Magicians ( this is a category where Ishow you pictures of magicians and you identify them. Remember, all these pictures of you.) Fathers, Things Not to Say to the Potions Teacher, Books (even though I would be surprised if even of you could read,) Which Weasley (in this category, I ask a question and you tell me which Weasley it corresponds with,) Paint Chips, and Tree Classes. Sean Connery, you're in the lead. Choose a category. 

SC: Wait, I'm not a magician or one of those wizard/warlock thingies. 

AT: Then what are you doing here?

SC: I don't know. 

AT: Who cares? Just pick a category and play the damn game. 

SC: OK, I'll take Treacle Asses for 600. 

AT: Its actually Tree Classes. 

SC: No, that's where you're wrong Trebek. (walks up to the Jeopardy display and points to the word.) See, Treacle Asses. Ah ha ha!

AT: Mr. Connery, please go back to your podium.

DM: Yum, treacle asses. They're my favourite. Mum makes them for me when I'm home from school. 

AT: That's disturbing.OK, the question is: this tree is most often used as a Christmas Tree. Harry Potter?

HP: What is quidditch?

AT: No. Draco?

DM: Who is quidditch?

AT: No, no! Sean Connery, still your board. 

SC: Alright. I'll take Which Weasley for 200. 

AT: This Weasley is gay. Harry?

HP: All of them.

AT: What? No, not all of them are gay. 

HP: Yes they are. They're all happy. 

AT: No, no that gay. I mean homosexual. 

SC: Oh, like you?

AT: I am not homosexual. 

SC: You're right. You're not. 

AT: well, Sean, thank-you for that. 

SC: No, I just meant that I'd describe you as more a pansy, fruit basket kind of guy myself. 

AT: OK, is anybody going to answer the question? No? Alright. Mr. Potter, you pick the category. 

HP: I guess I'll take Fathers for 200.

AT: Who's your daddy?

HP: Dude, you know my dad's dead. 

DM: Ya, don't hate. It's time for the love. Don't singe. 

AT: Draco, have you been drinking some of the Cannabis Magneficus potion lately? OR are you just really retarded?

DM: A little bit of Column A, a little bit of Column B. Don't hate. 

AT: I am in my own personal hell. Let's try something new. Draco, you can choose the category, even though I know I'm going to forget it. 

DM: I'll take Things Not to Say to the Potions Teacher for 400. 

AT: And the question is: never ask Professor Snap if he is hung like a . Harry Potter?

HP: What is a lantern?

AT: Correct, I mean, no! You can't be hung like a lantern!

HP: Fine then. What is a racehorse?

AT: That's actually correct. But you can't answer twice for the same question twice in a row. You know what, I'm going to give you the points anyway so we can finish this thing. 

DM: That's not fair! Why does stupid Potter get the points?

AT: Because I like him better than you. 

DM: Fair enough. 

SC: Not homosexual my ass!

AT: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. 

SC: You know you like it!

AT: Let's go straight to Final Jeopardy. The question is… (reads the question) no, this is obviously too hard for you people. OK, I'm going to make up the question. OK, write down the word WAND. Just write WAND.

(Jeopardy music comes on. Lights dim. Contestants write quickly.)

AT: Time's up. Let's see what you got. Harry Potter, wrote W…A…scribble scribble. How old are you? 17? And you can't spell? Well, at least you tried. And you wagered Sirius Black. You cannot wager a person. 

HP: Oh, well then, I wager Hagrid. 

AT: Hagrid is still a person. Magnificent. I swear the contestants get dumber every show. Draco, your answer was 'don't hate.' OK, and you wagered 'Treacle Asses'. What is wrong with you? Treacle asses aren't even real. 

DM: Oh, says you. You are so signe. Don't hate.

AT: Please God, let me die. Mr. Connery wrote…well, Mr. Connery seems to have disappeared. That is the best news I've had all show. That concludes this edition of Celebrity Magical Jeopardy. I'm Alex Trebek. 

(Jeopardy end music)

DM: Hey Alex, c'mere and I'll show you some treacle asses.

AT: What?

HP: It's a British thing. 

THE END


End file.
